I am sorry.
This isn't an apology letter to you. It is for me.
May I be completely honest with you?
(Well, no matter how you responded to that question, I am going to be honest anyway.)
I gave up. Turned in my cards. Quit trying. Quit believing in myself. Quit believing that you cared. I stopped looking for ways to make myself a better, healthier me, and gave in to late night cheese raids.
I excused my eating disorder by saying I just don't have time to focus on getting better. I need to carry the weight of the world, because the world needs me to do that. The world can't survive without me. I have to show people I care! How will they know I care if i don't drop everything to be by their side?
I need an excuse to not focus on me, because focusing on me is completely selfish and prideful.
(This is going to get deep now. Read at your own risk.)
I was told once, by someone who I was supposed to respect, that I was too prideful. I needed to squash that! Be humble. Be happy for others! Hope they succeed! Want them to succeed! WATCH them succeed, and all the while I live in shame because it has been ingrained in me that I am a PRIDEFUL and I don't deserve the respect of others, or myself.
YEARS after I was told this, I still remember it like yesterday. I can still see the words written in my journal in red ink, as if to taunt me. I would watch as my peers would get kudos and affirmations, while I struggled to understand why this person was so important. He must be! I should give up.
This should be a lesson to everyone. YOUR. WORDS. MATTER. You influence others by the things you say. No matter if you think they are listening or not.
I don't blame him for what he said. I DON'T!!! I'm certain he felt that what he was doing was molding me into being the good Christian girl I was supposed to be. Its not his fault I took on the shame and I held onto it.
I carry it with me every day. Its a part of me. It has become me.
I. Am. Shame.
This goes beyond accepting that I obese. This is now figuring out why I am content to be this way.
I realize that I am human. Man is fallible. I know am. But the beauty of grace is that no matter how fallible you are, forgiveness is there for you. It may not come when or by whom you want it, but it's there. You just have to accept it.
So, my apology to me goes like this.
I'm sorry, Dottie. Im sorry that I quit dreaming your dream. I'm sorry that I let you down. That everything you ever wanted, I squashed. I'm sorry betrayed you. I let others treat you poorly in the name of humility and love, and I didn't fight for you. I'm sorry I quit believing that you could be anything you wanted to be. I'm sorry I gave up. I'm sorry that I gave you every reason to doubt yourself and your abilities. I pushed you down. I pulled you through muck. I ripped at your self esteem and self worth until it was completely obliterated. I convinced you to quit. Many times. And I convinced you that "this was who you were meant to be". I'm sorry that because of my reaction, you could not take action. I'm sorry i made every excuse so that you wouldn't succeed. Most of all I'm sorry that because of me, you quit trying.
I never expected this post to turn out this way. I said I was going to be honest, and by golly....i did it. This could turn into a novel if I'm not careful.
The world is full of words. Some that build, some that destroy. Choose your words carefully. Encourage each other. Pray for each other. Strengthen each other. And fight back when words challenge your self worth. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are a treasure. Don't wait until you're 40 or older to realize that you are worth more than just words.
Much love dear ones.