Thursday, July 10, 2014

Moments of weakness and insecurity

It's been a long time since I've posted.

Honestly I've started a number of these blogs and not finished them. And my ap doesn't save it as a draft so every time I have to get out of it, I have to delete everything I entered previous. LAME!!!

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Worst communicator in the world!!!

Good morning. So, while I was catching up on my daily dose of status updates, I read that my brother lost a pound this week. While I am very proud of him for taking a step in the right direction, I realized that I have been less then awesome at keeping you up to date on my progress.

To be honest, I have been busy trying to figure out where my life is going. I have so much going through my brain that it really does make it hard to keep focused.

I have been out of work for just over 3 months, and while I love being available to friends and family at a moments notice, I am really starting to see affects of what not having a job can do. My bills are piling up, my credit score is deteriorating right before my eyes, after I have worked so hard to keep it in good standing, and I am in the red in my checking account more than I am in the black. I have been looking for jobs religiously, and I have even attempted to try to find some small jobs to bring in a little cash flow, but nothing has come of it. It has been a very upsetting few months.

I have tried to remain positive through all of this. I trust that God will provide something soon. However, this last week I crumbled. I stopped working out, I ate what I wanted and I slept all day and all night. Depression kicked into high gear, and I didn't try to fight it. Nope. I hung my head and i cried and cried about how sad things are becoming. I felt as though I should just let all of this crap I'm going through wash over me and see if it kills me. But my death would only produce more pain for those left to deal with my mess.

Nothing has really changed this week, except that i had a few friends who talked me off the edge exactly when i needed them to. They didn't tell me to pick myself up, they just offered me a hand and said they loved me and would help me get back up. They encouraged me to keep moving. Offered me hope that change would come, even started telling me about job opportunities in places i wouldn't think to look.

And then there are the little midgets (my nieces and nephews) in my life. Without each one of them i would be lost. They are the precious gems I hold dear to my heart. They play a much bigger role in my life then any of them think! It is because of them, that i want to be a better person!

All this to say, i am struggling in many aspects of my life, and it sucks. But with God's help and the help of those around me, I am strong.

We all have our battles to fight, and sometimes we fall down and lose hope. It's in those times that the right person comes along and helps you back up!. Once i shared my struggle with my friends, the light appeared once again at the end of my tunnel. I don't know how long this tunnel is, but i do see hope! Even if its just a pin prick.

Remember this: you were not created to walk this road alone!

To update you on my weight progress:

Starting weight: 315
Current weight: 292

The road is slow going....but its going. And that's good!

Much love!
Current weight: 292

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

No regrets

So, this morning, as I do mid-week every week, I got on the scale to see if there was any progress with my weight loss. When I stepped on the scale I couldn't believe my eyes. I GAINED 2 pounds. I was deflated. My head spinning wondering what went wrong and how could this even be possible. I sat on the side of my bed and just checked out for a moment. What was happening?

Last week I lost .4 pounds and the week previous I lost 2 pounds. In the past I would have just thrown my hands up in the air and said I quit. But this time I am doing everything I can to stay committed to this change. So, I decided to reflect on my current situation. What am I doing differently?

Most of the morning was spent remembering what I did these last three weeks that were so different then was done the first two weeks I decided to do the "Dottie Project". Three things that have changed I could name right off the bat...

1) late night snacks/eating out
2) no real eating schedule
3) more exercising

I will start with exercise. I upped my Jazzercise outings to more than 3 times a week. I have also been very committed to a 30 day challenge that has focused on squats, crunches, pushups, and planks. All of these involve cardio and strength training. I can see changes in my body, such as more muscle strength ....especially upper body. Muscle weighs more than fat. So, while I am changing my body, the weight loss may be affected by this.

Next, no real eating schedule. I now I don't have a job, I can eat anytime I need to. But, even without a job, I find it difficult to plan my eating schedule around my schedule. (taking dad to appointments, musical rehearsals, church rehearsals, jazzercise classes, and challenges) a most of the week I have to fit in eating wherever I can. This could mean eating breakfast at 8, a snack sometimes between 10-12. If I get a snack. Lunch could be anywhere between 2-3 and poss a snack at 6.., dinner by 9:30-10. I need to readjust my schedule to something more normal. Eating so late makes for a very hard for a body to process the food before going to bed. This could also be affecting my weight loss.

And finally, eating out/late night snacks. Snacking late at night is an absolute no no! Yet, I find that after I finish up my challenges I want something to eat. Before I would look back at my day and say, I didn't eat that much, I can have some nuts, or chicken. But really what I should o is drink water or go to bed. It's not rocket science...but I always go for the food. This has to end.

Eating out isn't a no no, but I would normally not eat out more than once a week. The last week I have eaten out 2 times with a third soon to come. I thought if I worked out more it would make a difference. But, I have a feeling all the sodium most places put in their food...may be the demise of my weight loss.

One more thing that comes to mind is my water intake. Water, water, water! Don't forget to drink half your body weight in water. (totally have not faithfully done that). Its amazing what water can do.

All this to say, I'm still in the process of figuring this out. There is no such thing as the perfect plan...but, if I can still learn, I can be successful.

Here's to a better future for all of us.

Much love!

Sunday, March 23, 2014

So far....

Well, since being on my own with this meal plan..I've had my ups and downs. While I am still losing weight, the progress has slowed immensely.

My previously recorded weight was 304.0 two weeks ago.

Here are the results from last week and this week.

Starting weight week of 3/9: 304
Week of 3/16: 302
Total loss for the week: 2 pounds

Week of 3/23: 301.6
Total loss for the week: .4 pounds

Total weight loss: 13.4 pounds.

Now mind you I have been doing a lot of strength training this week and last, so some of this could be muscle...however, I have also been more lax with my water, and I did have a lot of dairy and a candy bar this week. (stress eat much). I have also quit logging what I eat.

I am going to have to remove temptations from my sight. The plan is to get in the fridge and remove all temptation. Also to add one to two more days of cardio, and to start logging food on my fitness pal.

All in all, I don't consider this .4 pound loss a failure as it is still a step in the right direction....I am proud of where I have come from, and where I am headed. No doubt, I am moving onward and upward. 😊

Have a blessed day!

Much love.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Three month results (update 5/14)

So I am posting my jazzercise shirt result pics...

Three months ago (2/14/14) I posted the following pic.

I was 315 pounds. And just finished my second jazzercise class.

Below is a pic I took on 3/14 after my jazzercise class. (honestly I've lost track as to how many I've been too). I now weight 304 pounds.

My sister in law wanted a side pic... So here it is.

I can see some about you?

Below are a few pictures I took today (4/17). 3 months into this and current weight is 297. I believe my slow weight loss is due to the muscle I am gaining in my workouts and challenges. :). I'm ok with this as long as I am healthy and happy. Let me know if you see any changes. I know I sure can!!!

5/14 pics and weight

Today I weighed in at 292. I have had a rough month and haven't really worked out into weeks. Started back up again this week and will keep you updated on how things go as often as possible. I don't see much of a change from last month, but I'm still going down. Only 112 pounds to my all time goal. And only 12 pounds to my first goal. Yay!

Anyway, I will blog later about other fun stuff.. Just wanted to share this with you while it was on my mind.

Much love!

Sunday, March 9, 2014


Just had to share.

Starting weight 315.4
Last weeks weight 308.4
Down 7 pounds

This weeks weight 304.0
Down 4.4 pounds

A total of 11.4 pounds in 2 weeks!

Next week I will try on my Jazzercise shirt again. Curious to see if anything has changed.

I feel really good since changing my diet. No sugar, minimal caffiene, lots of water. Works!!! I'm not kidding friends. I have learned so much the last two weeks. Coconut oil is my best friend. And smaller portions are really just as satisfying as shoveling food into my face. Starting tomorrow I'm on my own. I can still use the meal plan as a guideline, however, I will be responsible for planning my own meals going forward. I am scared and excited. I can not wait to see where this,will go, going forward.

Friends, I appreciate each one of you. You have inspired me to be a better person, inwardly and outwardly. You inspire me to prove to myself and to you that I am capable of more than I could ever imagine for myself. You inspire me to live strong..and fearless..and you give me liberty to say and do what I need to say. All in all you have,without even saying the words, given me all of the encouragement I need to live my life on the next level. THANK YOU!!!

With that being said, let's get out there and move our butts. It's time to dance!!!!

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Holy crap!!! Where does the time go.

Some of you might be wondering what happed to lil' ol' me. To be honest I have been very busy with job searches, interviews, and auditions. Oh. And doing this new eating thing. Who knew coconut oil could do so much?

Did you know that if you swish a teaspoon of coconut oil in your mouth for 20 minutes every day that after a week you will notice the following: no more stinky breath, whiter teeth, shinier teeth, less gum pain, and also has been known to repair tooth decay. ( so people claim ) I have tried it for two days now and have noticed that my teeth look slightly whiter. Its called oil pulling. Sounds so weird. But surprisingly easy to do. The first day I tried it I kept spitting out oil uncontrollably because I had too much in my mouth. It was rather embarrassing. Luckily no one saw me as I continuously wiped coconut oil drool off my chin. Day two I was smarter. I took a teaspoon and leveled it out. Put it in my mouth and swished. When I noticed things were getting out of control, I took a small baggy an spat a little into it. The key is not to swallow. Its awkward at first, but honestly not as awkward as other things I've tried.

Also, Coconut oil, if ingested will help burn fat. Holy Crap!!! Totally eating a jar of it today! A tablespoon with your meal is suggested. I have yet to try this, because ewww for one, and two it looks and tastes different. I have only cooked with it. And I must say, it does brig a different flavor to some foods. I now love cooking spinach in it. Ah-maz-Ing!

There are many other benefits to coconut oil that I have yet to explore. When I do I will share with you.

Now, as you all know, I have been looking for employment for a while now. Still no secure job yet, but I've been on 4 interviews and feel like sometime soon I be back in the world of the gainfully employed. Yay? I have a meeting Monday morning with the unemployment office. So, hopefully I will find out when they will pay me for being a slacker. It should be interesting. I'm not sure what I need to bring for our meeting, as the note basically just gave me a date, place, and time. So, yep.

Thirdly, auditions. Last weekend I auditioned for two different theater groups. One canceled their second day of their auditions due to weather and rescheduled for today. So I will not hear back on that until mid week this coming week on that venue. However I was asked to sing in the ensemble for"Hello Dolly." by the other theater group...and I accepted. My policy is, never turn down an opportunity to sing, and get your face out there. You can't be known in the theater world if you don't do theater. And it will also help me with choreography. (which I am less than good at).

In other news, I am doing a 30 day challenge and jazzercising. The fun part of that is that I know how far my body will least I'm learning. And, though it is disappointing not to finish something you've started, there are people out there cheering you on to see you succeed. You who have done that for me, are so much more inspiring then you will ever know. I love each one of you for your encouragement. Thank you. I just hope I can return the favor sometime.

Much love!!!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Cats meow

So, yesterday (2-25) I spent some time job searching. I applied for 4-5 jobs...and feel pretty good about it. I am probably over qualified for most of them, but I felt its a good time to start really looking. Most of the jobs are in the area here, but two are out of state. We will see if we hear back from any of them.

Yesterday was also day two of my new meal plan. The items below are what I ate. Unfortunately, I forgot to take a pick of the baby carrots and almond butter...but you can probably imagine for yourself what that looked like. :-)

For breakfast I had a 3 oz chicken sausage link with saute'd onions and green peppers. Fried in coconut oil. Surprisingly delicious.

For a,snack I had 1 cup of baby carrots and two table spoons of almond butter (I got this from the bulk section at Hyvee - did you know you can grind your own almond or peanut butter there??)

Lunch consisted of the turkey chili I made the previous night. Even better the second day.

And dinner I had 4 oz dark meat chicken, 1/2 cup green beans and sliced tomatoes and cucumbers with a light dressing on them

I was still hungry after dinner so I munched on baby carrots and almond butter.

I drank 150 oz of water yesterday and found myself on the pee brigade quite often. I am also realizing that my body is also taking to this new meal plan like a cleanse.... Fun times.

In other news, last week I auditioned for Cats and got offered the role of Demeter. Of course I accepted it. And I am thrilled to be performing with many of my friends from previous shows. I can not wait to start rehearsals!!! The show is being dome through mid-life players, a theater group for adults 35 and up who love performing classics and its done in a readers theater fashion. So this could be even more interesting. :-)

I am really looking forward to it. Once I nail down performance times and dates, I will let you all know.

Much love. Keep living your dream and never give up hope.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Today plan continued 2/24/14

Snacking on almonds while prepping lunch

Anddddd.... Here's lunch. Salmon and salad with a light lemon dressing...mmm.

And for dinner....turkey chili....which is actually more like turkey soup...but still quite tasty.

Something for a change.

Today I start a new eating plan. Not really a diet, but I'm looking to eat better with less processed ingredients. This morning I started my day with a 2 egg omelet with spinach cooked in coconut oil and a sliced tomato. I added a little sea salt and pepper to taste. It was quite tasty and quick and easy to make. Only took about 5-6 minutes and about that long to eat. :-) See the picture below.

The rest of today will consist of salad, with salmon and an easy olive oil and lemon dressing. Some nuts and to finish out the night, a turkey burger with all the fixins. I will post those pics at a later date....if they come out looking good that is. :-)

In other news, something's I've realized about myself over the last few weeks. Life is really hard to maneuver when you are trying to please everyone. When really the only person you should work on keeping happy is yourself. I have spent most of my life on the pause button. Allowing all those circumstances around me to sort of dictate my life. Not that they have intended to, because in all honesty, I am the one who pushed the pause button so that I could be there for the ones I thought needed me. The problem is, i forgot to hit play again.. And while I appreciate the appreciation of my sacrifice (so to speak) I am beginning to realize that I am nearly 40 years old and have not yet really pursued any of the dreams I had for myself. Let alone, what God may have in store.

I spent the last few weeks looking for jobs that I thought would make those around me happy...because I love them, I do not want to disappoint them. The truth is while I am a "grown adult" and have responsibilities, I am also less fulfilled. I want more. I need more. I desire more out of life then just settling for what's expected of me. If I believe that God will take care of me and my needs, then shouldn't I know that wherever he takes me, he will also take care of those who I think "need me"?

I have been given an open door to spread my wings and check out the air, and see where it takes me...

The loss of my job has given me more peace then I have ever imagined. I have never been one to take time and examine things before doing them. I'm all about jumping in with both feet and figuring out the rest as I move along. The picture of my LIFE is just beginning. I'm ready to push play and live out my life the way it was intended. I do not want to regret one moment. And I don't, so far. But, I also don't want to resent those I care about most because I stopped everything for them and never had the opportunity to move forward for fear of disappointing them....or worse, abandoning them. If God truly has a bigger plan for me than what I am living at this moment, and now is my time to take it,shouldn't I jump through that door and believe that those who can't go with me will be taken care of? I was reminded of that several times this weekend.

Life gives you opportunity, and because you have free will, you have a choice to decide which ones you take and which ones you don't. Don't let the world around you always influence the choices you make. Sometimes, you with have to pause things for a moment, but don't forget to hit play again. Remember that you have an adventure to take. Try not to live your life through someone else's story. You are the star of your own destiny. Don't be your own supporting actor.

Push play.

Goals this week:
Spend time in prayer and meditation about my direction.
Work on a better, healthier me
Be there for those I have committed to this week and next.
Work on my audition piece for an audition coming up this weekend.
Try to remember to blog more. LOL

I will write soon. I know I still have to write about the workshop and there are a few other things I need to share. This blog was just weighing heavily on me, and I knew I had to share. If not just for my own benefit.

Much love dear ones.
Phase 1 of Dottiegate is still in progress. Man, this is a long one.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Another beautiful day

So, I was going to write about something awesome and fun. Since my sister in law called me out on not posting as much as I thought I would... I feel it necessary to post today.

The last few weeks have been interesting. I lost my job, took a workshop on auditioning for musical theatre, got a cold, slept in (a lot), auditioned for two shows, saw a few shows, jazzercised my butt off with Gina and Becca and searched the web for jobs..

Yes! Super fun I know.

Honestly, I haven't really been looking that hard for work. Mostly because my dad is soon to finish his chemo (this week - yipee) and there are a few things coming up in the next weeks that would require me asking for time off at a new job. I don't want to start a job until we get through that. Not to say I haven't been looking. There are some decent paying jobs out there. And when the time comes, if I can't find the job that I am looking for, I will take on whatever I can I have said many times, there are plenty of jobs out there if you are willing to do the work.

Since having time off, I have taken some time to reflect on what I want. There are many things I want. I want to be healthy, I want to be happy, I want to be awesome at doing stuff, and I want to do stuff that I've never imagined I could do...but most importantly, I want to be the best daughter, aunt, sister and friend I can be. I know that I can't be any of those things if I am first not taking care of me.

I've been jazzercising about 3 times a week and I have been doing really well during the day eating wise. I'm not going to lie though, late at night I have the worst snacky needs. Cheese, candy, ice cream, cheese (yes, I know I said that twice) I don't get it!! Even when I go to bed, sometimes I wake up with a hankering for cheese!!!!! And it bothers me. So, my goal this coming week is to get that stuff out of my house. If its not here I won't eat it. Right?

And with all that being said, tell me what are some of your late night cravings? And how do you overcome them? I'm curious to know.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Funny thing about blogging from your phone

Did you know that if you blog from your phone and decide to edit a pic before will not automatically save all the work you put into said blog prior to exiting the app?

Ya. Me either.

So last night I spent a couple of hours writing a blog about the fun things I did this week. One of them being the workshop I participated in. And while I still want to write about that, I will save that write up for a later date. Maybe today depending on the timing of scheduled events.

Right now I want to write about weigh loss. Probably a majority of you reading this blog have known me a long time. (I would say an average of 10 years or more.) and in that time you have known me, I have been obese. Actually, looking back, I don't remember a time in my life that I haven't been overweight. I've kind of grown used to it, but now im tired of being used to it. And honestly, there are kids in my life who need me to be a healthy aunt. I want to get on the floor and play with them...and chase them all over without getting winded so quickly. And watch them get married. And help them plan their weddings. And show them the awesome awesomeness that life has to offer. I want to live for myself and show them all the amazing things life can offer them because they are amazing and wonderful kids and growing adults.

How can I expect to do all those things while living in a body that hauls around 150 extra pounds of fat. I can't move fast because my stomach gets in the way sometimes. There are times I do things, like picking up socks off the floor, and think "wow, that was harder than necessary." Even tying my shoes is difficult. And honestly, bathing can be a challenge depending on the size of the shower. (sometimes the shower at the gym is not my friend.)

I know I am beautiful and I have a lot to offer those who are around me. I have talents and skills that should be shared with the world. But my outward appearance has hindered me from achieving my full potential. It has affected the way other perceive me...and most importantly, how I perceive myself.

No more!! I am a life worth fighting for. My dreams, they are not there to taunt me, but to inspire me and move me. I will have my life! And most importantly, I will have a life worth sharing with those I love.

No more the wallflower watching life pass her by. I will LIVE! I will INSPIRE!! I will LOVE!! I will OVERCOME!! I am more than just a pretty voice.. I am a treasure!! And I need to start seeing myself that way. How can I expected my nieces and nephews to see themselves as being able to do anything they set their minds to, if I am not living a life that exemplifies that very thing.

For too long I have settled for mediocre. I have just settled! Not feeling like my life could offer me any better than.....this.

I have lived a quarter life. And just moved with the flow letting people beat me and hurt me and treat me like I am only worth a quarter life.

That ends now. You will see a new me emerge. It may not happen over night, but it will happen. I will not settle for second or third best from myself. Only my best!!

As of today my weight is: 315.2 (whoa)
I have joined a jazzercise class and am now commiting to you and myself to go at least 3 times a week.

Below is a pic I took last night after jazzercise. The shirt im wearing does NOT fit. Its an XL. My goal is to take pics once a month of me wearing that same shirt with anticipation that it grow too big while I find my healthy size. Try not to be too jealous of my turbie twist. 😄

I am doing this, not only as my accountability to you...but also I hope it inspires you. If you struggle with self doubt and find that you are living a life less than average, I hope I can encourage you through this blog. Its not all about the weight loss. Its about perception. You are the only thing holding you back from living the life you know you deserve. Together I hope we can find the path and run, not walk, it to the end.

Much love to you all.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

The unforeseen, foreseen things.

It has been a few days since I've written.

To be honest, the last two days have really opened up a doorway I expected, but then again didn't expect to open. I have made some poor decisions eating wise, but honestly, that is not the worst thing that happened this week. And I wouldn't say what happened was bad, but definitely put a few bumps in my road.

Ok, I'm done speaking in code. On Friday I was relieved of my duties at my current job. This was something I had expect would happen, but also a little unexpected when it came to timing. I liked my job and really cared for some of the people I worked with, but I knew the end was near, and I had peace about it. I had written my resume already and had even asked for letters of recommendation from my boss to include, if needed. I was not sad, or happy about losing my job....just at peace. As I signed the exit paperwork I felt a giant weight lift off my shoulders.

I was free.

I was given a blank canvas to start a new masterpiece on. I could now do whatever I want, whenever I want. There was nothing tying me down. Upon signing that paper, I was given a chance at a new beginning.

Ah-maz-Ing!!! Thank you, God!!!

Jobs are a dime a dozen if your willing to do the work...but a chance to make different choices, and to focus on what I really want to do with my life are too few and far between. I am soooooo lucky!!

It is hard to believe that I have all of this blank canvas to work with. Or to put it another way
.... I have a blank page to re-write my story. Not everyone is given this chance

I know, I know...i still need a job...i have bills and responsibilities...(I know my roommate would appreciate me getting a job sooner than later) but I have time to find a job that will work around my needs. And maybe not just a job, but multiple jobs, or maybe even a job in the music/theater field.... Now, that could be fun. :-)

Anyway, all this to say, don't worry about me, I'm looking out at a world with infinite possibilities and I am excited to see where this next chapter goes. Woo hoo!!! I'm not even writing my own story anymore. It's like I'm riding the wave to see where it drops me off! Wow. This could really be interesting.

Lets see what happens next. Shall we?!?

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Chemo day and other stuff

Good morning! Today we are celebrating round 3 of chemo for dad.

I know, celebrating isn't really the word you think of when you hear chemotherapy. But I look at it this way, dad has made it 3/4ths of the way through the toughest part of his treatment. Like a champ. Sure! Things have been tough...but he's persevered. He didn't do it alone. Mom has been by his side the whole way! She has struggled with her own heath issues that have really shown her how strong she can be.

All this to say after today, only one more treatment. Woo hoo!!!

Today also marks day 4 of dottiegate 2014. So far, I have planned to attend a musical theatre audition workshop (next Wednesday), worked on my diet, joined jazzercise. ( weather has kept me from going as much as I would like this week.) and got a fitbit and posted to myfitnesspal consistently and fairly sure I forgot to log something at some point. but I feel pretty good about what I've accomplished so far. And you all have been a huge part of it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Let me know how you are doing? I would love to hear from you.

Blessings today. I will probably post tonight.

Monday, February 3, 2014

The way it was....

Today I decided to start tracking what I eat again. This used to work for me when I participated in the weight watchers program. And about a year ago I got turned onto this app (free of course) called "My Fitness Pal". I had used it at that time to track my food and exercise and had some success with it. But like every new fad, I grew tired of it and I'd find myself fudging on my food journal. I really didn't have anyone to be accountable I just gave up. I'm starting again with the hopes I won't quit this time.

Also, I was reading some of the comments on my Facebook status and my eye drew to something my sister in law said: "What ever you did before, in Steelville, worked." so I started thinking about those days. I had joined weight watcher's, moved to steelville, had a job that kept me moving all day long, and sometimes all night, i found an exercise I enjoyed, and a friend who did it with me, AND I blogged. I would post pics monthly of the weight loss.

So I guess you could say (minus the job that allows me to move all the time and weight watchers and the friend to work out with) I am technically doing the same thing. So, huzzah!!! Maybe it will work for me again.

I want tell you this one thing, every day is a gift. We are not promised tomorrow, and when it all comes down to it, we should all want to experience life to our fullest potential.

It takes one step in the right direction, that's all.
Personally, I hope im doing just that.

Now, here is what I ate today....just in case you care

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Dreams can come true...

Well, here is where it begins.  Today 2/2/14 is the second chance at a journey I started long ago.  Insecurity and laziness have contributed to my demise...and I have now decided to take my life back.  I will no longer let other's run my life.  My life is my own, and my health is all I have. 

Honestly, I have lived under a veil for some time now. I had quit really seeing myself as fat.  I made excuses for not wanting to exercise, and eat whatever I wanted.. I even joke about being fat.  But some real life experiences blew that veil off my face..and I started to see what was really happening with me.

Over the last few months, a series of events had opened my eyes. The most recent being my audition for a musical I really wanted.  I felt I did really well on the initial audition and even got a call back.  Vocally I felt like I NAILED it.. I got another call back for Choreography.  I knew my weight might be an issue, and it made me very insecure about the way I was performing the routine.  At one point I completely blanked and stood in one spot looking at the director and rolling my eyes. (NOT GOOD).  I was winded, sweaty and annoyed.  I couldn't move as fast as the other dancers, and I kept thinking if I have to sing and do these steps I am doomed. My heart raced and I knew I blew it. 

That is when I finally decided that I wasn't going to excuse myself any longer. 

If you want something, you have to go for it. 
Quit giving myself an out and work it out instead. 
Make things happen. 

The only way I knew how to do this is to ask my friends for help.  So, I posted on Facebook and got a great response.  I have some amazing friends.

I gave a list of 5 things I was looking for:

1) A Photographer who will take an amazing head shot of me. - I struggle with using a selfie because it seems so.......weird.

2) a Make-up/hair artist to make me look fabulous for said head shot.

3) An Audition/Vocal/Acting coach or someone I can go to for advice on how to present myself for auditions.

4) A Dance coach to show me all sorts of steps and moves. - This is my worst area. I bombed an audition for a part I really wanted because of my insecurity in this area...i am not a confident dancer and I want to feel more at ease with it.

5) An Accountability partner for the following: exercise, food, and God. I am not insecure about myself, but I do know that the weight I carry has hindered my abilities to do the things I really want to do.

First things first.. I need to set up my accountability team.   This is where you come in.  I am relying on you to be my support and call me out when I'm being silly.  I will do the same for you.  It's not easy to take these steps alone, we need each other.  I need you. 

Let's get the ball rolling and find our path to our dreams!! 

ARETHA!  Here I come! :)