Sunday, January 11, 2015

To my dear friends

Thank you.

Thank you for all of the responses to my previous blog post. Thank you for concern, and words of encouragement. Believe me I'm just as shocked as everyone else as to the raw my emotions were in that post. Who knew that one incident from my childhood, could have so much power over me, even now!?

I want to say this, that post will probably be the start of many deeply personal and hopefully inspirational posts. I wrote that post last night as a way to give me permission to forgive myself, and empower myself to be all that I was intended to be. It was the start of a whole new journey. I am O.K. You don't have to worry. Its all a process. And one that needs to happen if I am ever going to succeed.

After a conversation I had yesterday I was inspired to look deep inside of me and see the dark places that have had a hold on my freedom all these years.

Why do I fear weight loss? Is it because of the unknown? Is it because I have created this protective casing with the intent of protecting myself from hurt, all the while hurting myself unintentionally?

I need to figure this out? Why am I "content" with being miserable?

Yes. I know this is the World Wide Web, and that people who don't know me can see this. GOOD! If my REAL struggle can help encourage someone else, great! I can't do this alone. And to be honest, I don't want to. I will get personal, and I will get real. But all for the sake of health.

I can't let someone else's opinion affect my eventual happiness. I need to get off my pity box, and stand up on my own two feet. Take action for myself. Take responsibility. Quit looking for others to cure me. I have the cure within me. Its just buried beneath all this nasty baggage I've held on to and let define my whole adult life.

Can I be honest. I hope these aren't just words out of emotion. I hope I can really live up to my post. Really dig deep. And really be honest with my friends and readers. I promise you, I will fight to liberate me from me.

Thank you friends. Thank you for everything. You are such a blessing and my life without you would be unbearable.

Much love.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

A Letter of Apology

I am sorry.

This isn't an apology letter to you. It is for me.

May I be completely honest with you?

(Well, no matter how you responded to that question, I am going to be honest anyway.)

I gave up. Turned in my cards. Quit trying. Quit believing in myself. Quit believing that you cared. I stopped looking for ways to make myself a better, healthier me, and gave in to late night cheese raids.

I excused my eating disorder by saying I just don't have time to focus on getting better. I need to carry the weight of the world, because the world needs me to do that. The world can't survive without me. I have to show people I care! How will they know I care if i don't drop everything to be by their side?

I need an excuse to not focus on me, because focusing on me is completely selfish and prideful.

Damn it!

(This is going to get deep now. Read at your own risk.)

I was told once, by someone who I was supposed to respect, that I was too prideful. I needed to squash that! Be humble. Be happy for others! Hope they succeed! Want them to succeed! WATCH them succeed, and all the while I live in shame because it has been ingrained in me that I am a PRIDEFUL and I don't deserve the respect of others, or myself.

YEARS after I was told this, I still remember it like yesterday. I can still see the words written in my journal in red ink, as if to taunt me. I would watch as my peers would get kudos and affirmations, while I struggled to understand why this person was so important. He must be! I should give up.

This should be a lesson to everyone. YOUR. WORDS. MATTER. You influence others by the things you say. No matter if you think they are listening or not.

I don't blame him for what he said. I DON'T!!! I'm certain he felt that what he was doing was molding me into being the good Christian girl I was supposed to be. Its not his fault I took on the shame and I held onto it.

I carry it with me every day. Its a part of me. It has become me.

I. Am. Shame.

This goes beyond accepting that I obese. This is now figuring out why I am content to be this way.

I realize that I am human. Man is fallible. I know am. But the beauty of grace is that no matter how fallible you are, forgiveness is there for you. It may not come when or by whom you want it, but it's there. You just have to accept it.

So, my apology to me goes like this.

I'm sorry, Dottie. Im sorry that I quit dreaming your dream. I'm sorry that I let you down. That everything you ever wanted, I squashed. I'm sorry betrayed you. I let others treat you poorly in the name of humility and love, and I didn't fight for you. I'm sorry I quit believing that you could be anything you wanted to be. I'm sorry I gave up. I'm sorry that I gave you every reason to doubt yourself and your abilities. I pushed you down. I pulled you through muck. I ripped at your self esteem and self worth until it was completely obliterated. I convinced you to quit. Many times. And I convinced you that "this was who you were meant to be". I'm sorry that because of my reaction, you could not take action. I'm sorry i made every excuse so that you wouldn't succeed. Most of all I'm sorry that because of me, you quit trying.

I never expected this post to turn out this way. I said I was going to be honest, and by golly....i did it. This could turn into a novel if I'm not careful.

Final words.

The world is full of words. Some that build, some that destroy. Choose your words carefully. Encourage each other. Pray for each other. Strengthen each other. And fight back when words challenge your self worth. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are a treasure. Don't wait until you're 40 or older to realize that you are worth more than just words.

Much love dear ones.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Moments of weakness and insecurity

It's been a long time since I've posted.

Honestly I've started a number of these blogs and not finished them. And my ap doesn't save it as a draft so every time I have to get out of it, I have to delete everything I entered previous. LAME!!!

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Worst communicator in the world!!!

Good morning. So, while I was catching up on my daily dose of status updates, I read that my brother lost a pound this week. While I am very proud of him for taking a step in the right direction, I realized that I have been less then awesome at keeping you up to date on my progress.

To be honest, I have been busy trying to figure out where my life is going. I have so much going through my brain that it really does make it hard to keep focused.

I have been out of work for just over 3 months, and while I love being available to friends and family at a moments notice, I am really starting to see affects of what not having a job can do. My bills are piling up, my credit score is deteriorating right before my eyes, after I have worked so hard to keep it in good standing, and I am in the red in my checking account more than I am in the black. I have been looking for jobs religiously, and I have even attempted to try to find some small jobs to bring in a little cash flow, but nothing has come of it. It has been a very upsetting few months.

I have tried to remain positive through all of this. I trust that God will provide something soon. However, this last week I crumbled. I stopped working out, I ate what I wanted and I slept all day and all night. Depression kicked into high gear, and I didn't try to fight it. Nope. I hung my head and i cried and cried about how sad things are becoming. I felt as though I should just let all of this crap I'm going through wash over me and see if it kills me. But my death would only produce more pain for those left to deal with my mess.

Nothing has really changed this week, except that i had a few friends who talked me off the edge exactly when i needed them to. They didn't tell me to pick myself up, they just offered me a hand and said they loved me and would help me get back up. They encouraged me to keep moving. Offered me hope that change would come, even started telling me about job opportunities in places i wouldn't think to look.

And then there are the little midgets (my nieces and nephews) in my life. Without each one of them i would be lost. They are the precious gems I hold dear to my heart. They play a much bigger role in my life then any of them think! It is because of them, that i want to be a better person!

All this to say, i am struggling in many aspects of my life, and it sucks. But with God's help and the help of those around me, I am strong.

We all have our battles to fight, and sometimes we fall down and lose hope. It's in those times that the right person comes along and helps you back up!. Once i shared my struggle with my friends, the light appeared once again at the end of my tunnel. I don't know how long this tunnel is, but i do see hope! Even if its just a pin prick.

Remember this: you were not created to walk this road alone!

To update you on my weight progress:

Starting weight: 315
Current weight: 292

The road is slow going....but its going. And that's good!

Much love!
Current weight: 292

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

No regrets

So, this morning, as I do mid-week every week, I got on the scale to see if there was any progress with my weight loss. When I stepped on the scale I couldn't believe my eyes. I GAINED 2 pounds. I was deflated. My head spinning wondering what went wrong and how could this even be possible. I sat on the side of my bed and just checked out for a moment. What was happening?

Last week I lost .4 pounds and the week previous I lost 2 pounds. In the past I would have just thrown my hands up in the air and said I quit. But this time I am doing everything I can to stay committed to this change. So, I decided to reflect on my current situation. What am I doing differently?

Most of the morning was spent remembering what I did these last three weeks that were so different then was done the first two weeks I decided to do the "Dottie Project". Three things that have changed I could name right off the bat...

1) late night snacks/eating out
2) no real eating schedule
3) more exercising

I will start with exercise. I upped my Jazzercise outings to more than 3 times a week. I have also been very committed to a 30 day challenge that has focused on squats, crunches, pushups, and planks. All of these involve cardio and strength training. I can see changes in my body, such as more muscle strength ....especially upper body. Muscle weighs more than fat. So, while I am changing my body, the weight loss may be affected by this.

Next, no real eating schedule. I now I don't have a job, I can eat anytime I need to. But, even without a job, I find it difficult to plan my eating schedule around my schedule. (taking dad to appointments, musical rehearsals, church rehearsals, jazzercise classes, and challenges) a most of the week I have to fit in eating wherever I can. This could mean eating breakfast at 8, a snack sometimes between 10-12. If I get a snack. Lunch could be anywhere between 2-3 and poss a snack at 6.., dinner by 9:30-10. I need to readjust my schedule to something more normal. Eating so late makes for a very hard for a body to process the food before going to bed. This could also be affecting my weight loss.

And finally, eating out/late night snacks. Snacking late at night is an absolute no no! Yet, I find that after I finish up my challenges I want something to eat. Before I would look back at my day and say, I didn't eat that much, I can have some nuts, or chicken. But really what I should o is drink water or go to bed. It's not rocket science...but I always go for the food. This has to end.

Eating out isn't a no no, but I would normally not eat out more than once a week. The last week I have eaten out 2 times with a third soon to come. I thought if I worked out more it would make a difference. But, I have a feeling all the sodium most places put in their food...may be the demise of my weight loss.

One more thing that comes to mind is my water intake. Water, water, water! Don't forget to drink half your body weight in water. (totally have not faithfully done that). Its amazing what water can do.

All this to say, I'm still in the process of figuring this out. There is no such thing as the perfect plan...but, if I can still learn, I can be successful.

Here's to a better future for all of us.

Much love!

Sunday, March 23, 2014

So far....

Well, since being on my own with this meal plan..I've had my ups and downs. While I am still losing weight, the progress has slowed immensely.

My previously recorded weight was 304.0 two weeks ago.

Here are the results from last week and this week.

Starting weight week of 3/9: 304
Week of 3/16: 302
Total loss for the week: 2 pounds

Week of 3/23: 301.6
Total loss for the week: .4 pounds

Total weight loss: 13.4 pounds.

Now mind you I have been doing a lot of strength training this week and last, so some of this could be muscle...however, I have also been more lax with my water, and I did have a lot of dairy and a candy bar this week. (stress eat much). I have also quit logging what I eat.

I am going to have to remove temptations from my sight. The plan is to get in the fridge and remove all temptation. Also to add one to two more days of cardio, and to start logging food on my fitness pal.

All in all, I don't consider this .4 pound loss a failure as it is still a step in the right direction....I am proud of where I have come from, and where I am headed. No doubt, I am moving onward and upward. 😊

Have a blessed day!

Much love.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Three month results (update 5/14)

So I am posting my jazzercise shirt result pics...

Three months ago (2/14/14) I posted the following pic.

I was 315 pounds. And just finished my second jazzercise class.

Below is a pic I took on 3/14 after my jazzercise class. (honestly I've lost track as to how many I've been too). I now weight 304 pounds.

My sister in law wanted a side pic... So here it is.

I can see some about you?

Below are a few pictures I took today (4/17). 3 months into this and current weight is 297. I believe my slow weight loss is due to the muscle I am gaining in my workouts and challenges. :). I'm ok with this as long as I am healthy and happy. Let me know if you see any changes. I know I sure can!!!

5/14 pics and weight

Today I weighed in at 292. I have had a rough month and haven't really worked out into weeks. Started back up again this week and will keep you updated on how things go as often as possible. I don't see much of a change from last month, but I'm still going down. Only 112 pounds to my all time goal. And only 12 pounds to my first goal. Yay!

Anyway, I will blog later about other fun stuff.. Just wanted to share this with you while it was on my mind.

Much love!